We’ve all been there, that inebriated euphoric high after one too many, usually resulting in bad morning-after hangovers accompanied by a band of microscopic drummers having a practice session in your head. Not to mention that tight, empty feeling when your stomach walls contract in protest and stretching out to reach for that glass of water seems like an impossible task. And given that the years’ party season is about to peak and you’re probably going to be on that ride, you won’t want to end your night in the loo with the toilet bowl for company.
Of course we swear that we’re never going to do it again, but that only comes when it’s too late, and somehow we always do. Here are some known hangover cures that will help with the morning after, because the only way to avoid a hangover entirely is not to drink in the first place. Like, that’s going to happen!
Vitamins
Particularly B1 and C, these highly overlooked hangover cures are found in rice, grains, cereals, peas, nuts, fruits and vegetables. Thiamine (B1) helps you metabolize alcohol, or technically, it’s by-product acetaldehyde, and also assists your overstrained liver in processing toxins and eliminating free radicals. Vitamin C is an excellent antioxidant, so having enough available will help minimize tissue damage and hangover discomfort. Alcohol also depresses the immune system, which means you’re more susceptible to colds and flus, so neck a couple B and C vitamins before embarking on a big night.
Women’s Painkillers
One of the best-loved myths in hangover prevention is that taking painkillers when you get in can stop you feeling pain when you wake up. It won’t. All that will happen is that your liver will have another set of toxins to cope with. Women’s painkillers (like Panadol Menstrual and Nurofen) are therefore worth investigating, even for men, as they are specially designed to cope with dodgy tummies, nausea, headaches and fatigue: all the symptoms you get during a hangover. If you get dodgy looks from the pharmacist, just pretend they’re for your girlfriend.
Alka Seltzer
Bizarrely enough, this legendary hangover cure was never intended or marketed as one. It originated with a newspaper editor in smalltown Indiana who found that his staff had remained flu-less during an influenza epidemic thanks to his winning combination of aspirin and baking soda. The prescription was rejigged and launched in 1931 and is now recommended for aches, pains and dodgy tummies, as per the unintentionally hilarious testimonials on www.alka-seltzer.com. Despite its fizz and unpleasant taste, this hangover cure has a global cult following due to its gut-settling abilities.
V8
People who eat a lot of tomatoes die a lot older. It’s to do with lycopene (the stuff that makes a tomato red). Apart from a truckload of tomatoes, V8 also includes spinach, beet, watercress, lettuce, parsley, celery and carrot. That means you get your B and C vitamins, lycopene and effectively a whole bowl of vegetables in one little can. Highly recommended for headaches, however unappealing the concept. If you can’t stand the aftertaste of celery (like me), a can of tomato juice is almost as good.
Gym supplements
The most unpleasant elements of a hangover, if someone cared to properly dissect it, occur because you’ve probably urinated and sweated out an uncomfortable proportion of your body’s 70% water. Our Aussie counterparts therefore recommend weightlifting supplements, perhaps with a dash of multivitamins or amphetamine, to help the body absorb the maximum possible fluids. Creatine is especially popular, as it increases muscle mass by helping the body retain liquid in the muscles. Your balls may shrink, but hell, your triceps are going to be huge.
Saline
This is the nuclear answer to alcoholic dehydration. Simply insert a catheter into the forearm, hook up a saline drip and lie back. It’s a little hardcore for the weekend drinker, but the medically approved balance of vital salts and fluids will nonetheless do the trick. All it takes is, uh, the equipment. At last check, Guardian wasn’t selling drips, and drinking saline doesn’t work.
Energy Drinks
Whatever you call it, the principle remains the same. Sustained boozing dehydrates the body, strips body salts and lowers blood sugar. Thus sugary, mineral-rich, salt balanced drinks like Lucozade or 100 Plus can only be a good thing. Unfortunately, it will only help the morning after, so ordering those vodka redbulls are not an instant solution.. however much you’d like to think it is.
Cabbage
In the former Communist states, cabbages are as plentiful as vodka. Which could begin to explain the mystifying prevalence of salted cabbage juice as a cure. In Russia, incidentally, the world’s heaviest drinking nation, cans of salted, carbonated cabbage juice are sold under the brand name Rassol to resolve morning after issues. In Macedonia, natives make their own by chucking some cabbages into a barrel and adding salt and enough water to cover it. After leaving it in a cold room for a couple of months, the resulting liquid is known as Rasolnica or Juva and is used for the same purpose. German boozers also swear by drinking the brine from a jar of sauerkraut (pickled cabbages). Strange as it may sound, there is a certain logic to this one. Boozing depletes salt and water levels, which brine would then replace, while cabbage is rich in vitamin C. Curiously, the ancient Greeks also thought that eating a cabbage could cure a hangover, but then they also thought wearing a parsley garland on your head could stop you from getting drunk. Perfect, if you’re going as Julius Caesar to a costume party.
Sleep
Quite obvious, this one.
Sugar Binge
One of the more subtle, but still deleterious effects of a night on the tiles is the drop in blood sugar levels the morning after, thanks to the depleted glycogen in the liver. While nothing but more sleep can compensate for the late night and fitful doze of the night before, a hefty whack of sugar can at least help replenish glucose. The ladies would probably go for Glucoline or glucose tablets, but flat Coke (just add a dash of salt), ice-cream, Mars Bars or honey drinks would do just fine. This cure is moderately effective.
Rehydration Salts
So, at this point we all understand that the main reason we all feel so shite in the mornings after a binge is because our bodies are dehydrated. Alcohol leeches water, salt and sugars, thus the dehydrated brain aches for water, the stomach gets sore and grippy, the mouth dry, the skin like a river-bed in drought.. not pretty, right? Dioralyte, originally formulated as a rehydration therapy for people with exotic tummy upsets, works by restoring the balance of sugars and salts in your body, hence curing thirst and the effects of dehydration. If you can’t find Dioralyte, there are many other brands of rehydration salt sachets that are available in pharmacies, although they may not taste as good. Best to take one before you sleep and another when you wake up. This is one hangover cure that genuinely works.
Berocca
The Rambo of multivitamins, Berocca takes things to the extreme. More than 15x the RDA (Recommended Daily Allowance) of vitamin C, more than 10x the RDA of vitamins B1 and B12, and more than 9x the RDA of vitamin B2 and shitloads more, all in the form of one fizzy, yummy orange drink. No wonder Americans need a doctor’s prescription. Once you get over the shakes and sweating and having recovered from the shock of peeing neon, Berocca does indeed provide a boost to those whose life insurance premiums are higher than the norm. Truly dedicated Berocca fans will dissolve five Beroccas in water, pour into a watermelon and leave it to infuse, then throw a post-party party and spend the day playing non-drinking drinking games. Whee!
And for the naive, hangover virgins amongst us, here are a few you shouldn’t try.
Lemons
In Puerto Rico lemons are ten a peso, which is, no doubt, why this cure is so popular there. Hangover lore in them parts states that by rubbing half a lemon under your armpits, you can free yourselves from the displeasures of bad sweat and headaches. You might realize that lemons would actually work as hangover cures, if ingested, as it contains vitamin C but not as a deodorant substitute.
Voodoo
In Haiti, the home of Voodoo, a traditional hangover cure is to stick 13 black-headed pins into the cork of the bottle that caused all the trouble in the first place. Generally rather tricky to attempt with today’s bottle packaging, but I suppose you could always ask your bartender for the screw cap and give it a go.
Urine
There is a long and venerable Indian tradition of drinking one’s own urine, which is known to practitioners as ‘the water of Shiva (a Hindu deity)’. Cranks today are promoting it as a cure for baldness, AIDS, cancer and acne, alleging that urine is some of the purest water that we may ever drink and that it works as a form of vaccination against toxicity. I don’t see how drinking the toxins your body excretes can help minimize a hangover.. I mean, have none of them seen the colour of the average morning-after piss?
The Detox Cure
One of the reasons our bodies sweat so heinously the morning after the night before is that the poor little lymph glands are oozing rafts of toxins out of our body. Before the new Americans wiped them out, hungover American Indian tribespeople used to run till they started to sweat, then they would lick their skin and spit out the soured booze stink to rid their bodies of poison. Some claim that a session at the gym has the same effect… but perhaps without all that licking.
Chinese Wisdom
Ginger tea has been drunk for millennia as an antidote to booze. The root is generally accepted to be a natural anti-emetic (an agent that prevents/arrests vomiting) and the tea can genuinely help if you think you’re going to be sick. Ancient Chinese wisdom also recommends pressing your right thumb firmly on the fleshy spot between your left thumb and forefinger. The jury’s out on this one but I reckon it sucks.
Soot Milkshakes
In Victorian England, poor chimneysweeps settled their hungover tummies with a long, warm glass of milk liberally doused in soot. Strange as it seems, there is a scientific basis to their belief: charcoal (and soot) help pick up the hangover-causing impurities or congeners in alcohol, while charcoal tablets are often prescribed for indigestion. However, the amount of carcinogens consumed in the average soot milkshake would more than compensate for any presumed health benefits.
Have a great rest-of-the-year, and here’s to 2004! Bottoms up, now…
