Absolutely Fuzzed - 08/08/2002: "Ah Beng Deluxe"

Just got this e-mail from Lynn.. I find it so profoundly funny I just have to post it up.

I've been a reader of your magazine for some time now and I think it's great. However, I don't have any idea what the heck Ah Beng is. I can understand if you think it's a stupid question, but I just had to ask.
So please enlighten me and other non-Singaporean readers. Thank you very much.

Widely used and understood in both Singapore and Malaysia, the term "Ah Beng" refers to an uncultured Chinese guy in his teens or twenties, whose neon-coloured clothes and blond hairdo are modeled after '80s Japanese teeny-boppers. An Ah Beng has the stunning ability to spout two kinds of Hokkien at the same time in perfect harmony: vernacular and vulgar. He also has an affinity for squatting in public places, swaggering from point to point and using mobile phones with enough lights and colours to embarrass a disco and loud ring tones inspired by Cantopop hits and songs written by Stock Aitken Waterman.

Ah Bengs tend to congregate at suburban shopping malls, video arcade centers, dirty pool tables, cheesy night sports, SMSA car park races and wherever pirated goods are sold.

The archetypal Ah Beng Car (ABC) is a two-door Honda Civic with a big noisy exhaust, an even bigger and noiser hi-fi system., extra blue lights everywhere , more wings than Changi Airport and cheaper skirts
than This Fashion. Bright yellow paintwork is optional, but an Ah Lian girl-friend permanently attached to the front passenger seat is compulsory.

What is an Ah Lian, you ask? She's basically the female equivalent to the Ah Beng, with the same colourful characteristics but nicer to look at. The name is derived from the Mandarine words for lotus flower: lian hua. And yes, some Ah Lians are actually as pretty as a flower.

And some Ah Bengs are actually quite cool, but only is they belong to the new improved evolution model that we dub Ah Beng Deluxe. He switches easily between Queensway Hokkien and Queen's English, hold a respectable job and has higher education, yet he drives an ABC, enjoys the same things that Ah Bengs love and endears himself to Ah Lians young and old.

For more information on special Singapore terms like Ah Beng, check out the Coxford Singlish Dictionary at Singapore's very own talkingcock.

This is for my own benefit more than yours, but for all you people who have ever wondered what an Ah Beng is, there you go. It's a widely used term in Malaysia, but it came from Singapore. Hmm.. and just an afterthought, I've seen caucasian versions of the Ah Beng too, but they're the Deluxe sort.

I am doing an Anti-Smoking poster campaign for my Poster Design class, and it's coming along very well. For assignment, I had to go around collecting cigarette ash for my photoshoot.. and that was pretty funny. I had this little pyrex bowl that I'd labelled 'Cigarette Ash Only, no Butts about it' and everyone was quite cooperative. I also had to shoot my MAC Lipstick, and a perfume bottle, but that's another story. The pictures came out quite well.. and I'm really glad I have my digital camera with me.

I'll post little pictures of my posters when I'm done with them. They're due a week from now. It's my dad's birthday today, and I sent him an SMS earlier on.. I miss that guy. I'll give him a call tonight.

I also have to go buy groceries. My pantry is running on empty and I refuse to subject myself to baked beans on a daily basis. Good thing is, I'm actually losing weight.. bad thing, I'm not eating enough meat. Chicken is so bloody expensive here and so is beef sometimes, and since I've been too caught up in work to go to the supermarket, I've been eating whats left of my vegetable and nutella stock.. not together of course! I can think of a million things to eat tonight and the very thought of chilli marinated beef fillet is making my stomach flutter with anticipation. Oh bugger.

There's this show on TV here called Fear Factor and I watched last night's special edition - they got Playboy Playmates to go on the show! First they had to walk across a rope 50 feet up between two buildings, then they had to eat strawberries with a million flies in a glass jar, and finally swim through 3 layers in a specially constructed perspex aquarium that's supposed to mimic the fear of being trapped under ice (and the water's cold, too) What was funny was that two of these playmates were really bimbo-ish, they're your very typical Pam-Anderson-meets-even-dumber-blonde chicks, and actually wore string bikinis for the last challenge.

Eh, I am big fan of your blog. And what coincidence you talking of ah bengs (I admit I not so educamated and westernized as you cool english educamated babes) and banging us honest and hardworking ah bengs kau kau....but nevermind lar at least u inspire my blog. Please read ok? Allite lar, nothing much, just want to say keep up the good job and I like to read your blog to implove my english. If not too much to ask can we be email buddy ar? Help me improve my english and also I get to know si beh sui char bo. My email are [email protected]
Ok lar, have to go liow I hopechoo enjoy my website, if not please don't angry me ok?

note: too much baked beans make you fart. I'm serious.

They forgot abt the part where Ah Bengs pick their boogers and flick them away...