Absolutely Fuzzed - 15/12/2002: "Jadesis"

Been reading some sites lately and I'm starting to notice a huge change in my own. I can never seem to say what I really want to anymore. This used to be an outlet for my rants and thoughts and things that happen in my life but now I'm giving in to social tact and censoring my own rants. What the heck? Problem is, I don't want to start any rumours, or feed any gossip about me or my friends, so I just shut up. Gone is the freedom that I used to have, freedom of talking about my nights out, who's interested in who, the shit me and my girls get up to, what I think of someone or something. I want to rant, goddammit. Some of you will probably know how this feels. I wish I was back in NZ where I have a completely different circle of friends and I can bitch all I want and you won't know who the heck I'm talking about. This really sucks.

I've been really frustrated lately. I have alot of close friends who happen to be guys.. and one of them has feelings for me. Nothing I say or do can convince him to feel otherwise, and I don't want to lose him as a friend. I've changed alot, and I'm definately not the same person I was when I first met him, and obviously I do not want to hurt him.. but I know nothing can ever come out of a relationship with him. I'm very different in a relationship as opposed to being in a friendship. One of my girlfriends is in the same situation too. I have no idea what to do and it's been going on for so long I'm about to give up. I feel really uncomfortable and it's starting to affect our friendship. Sigh.. and obviously right now the last thing I bloody need is a serious relationship. God. This really sucks too.

I'm done with serious relationships. Give me casual, no strings attached anytime [why didn't I think of this first? :)] I don't need the emotional baggage that comes with serious. I'm not saying I'm done with it for the rest of my life, just right now, for the time being, until I'm well and truly settled. I won't be for awhile.

Christmas is just around the corner.. but with the Raya celebrations going on and all, I don't feel very christmassy. In fact, I think Christmas itself will be really quiet for me this year. I have no plans, and I don't plan to do anything. I didn't go shopping for presents - just not in the mood to this year. My family doesn't really celebrate Christmas like most people do - no turkey, no tree either. I can't be arsed. I'll just probably pop by Tiff's and Sharon's for a visit.. yeah, I know.. it's depressing. This is a depressing post.

Oy.

you gonna be around for CNY? or you going back to shag sheep?

do what ever u need to wash the pain away but please, please don't turn into ****. you are too good to be sleeping around and having 1 night stands,stephanie.

and please, reply .

ssk..

i don't do one night stands. it's just not my thing.. what i meant by casual is a relationship that has no long-term commitments.. but thanks for the concern :)