Absolutely Fuzzed - 14/11/2003: "Breaking Walls"

I've noticed what this site lacks. I am my own worse critic at times like these and I'm in that strange mood where I want to break walls down.. not literally of course. This site lacks interaction. It has become generic, one of the thousands of sites that people visit to read someone elses thoughts and that's it. Hell, I do it all the time myself.

Change is inevitable. I used to love coming back here to see what other people have to say. I used to post fresh-from-the-tablet digital art. I used to spend all my time surfing and finding cool links I can't help but share and building myself a convenient link archive I used to revisit when I'm bored. After being 'offline' for a year to finish my degree and having my beloved Maxtor crash on me, taking with it almost 3 years worth of work, pictures, music and inspiration, I guess I just gave up, knowing nothing in life is ever absolute. Now I just use this site as an outlet, to rant and record things I've done for myself more than anyone else. Unfortunately, due to the nature of this blog being public and all, alot of things have been sugarcoated and dusted prior to audience consumption. Why, you ask? Because I'm just like all the other anonymous posters out there - I don't want to be judged by my blog. I don't want people making assumptions about who I am because this isn't really me, its a part of what makes up the whole, but it isn't the only part.

I try to keep in mind why I started this blog in the first place, it was a means of keeping in touch between good friends who are all in different places leading different lives. It isn't anymore because it obviously takes two to tango, or in this case five, and I took over and the first change took place.

I'm not complaining about lack of comments or even readers because I know you guys are out there somewhere but what I'm going on about is simply CHANGE. It's inevitable and now there will be another change.

Fuck sugarcoating. If you are on to it, you'll know what to do with me from now. If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading. I'm not done yet.

Do you believe the first instinctive answer you come up with is always necessarily the right one? Or even what you truly feel? Love, what an enigma. I am a non-believer. I used to believe in love, that heady rush, that flutter, that warm uncontrollable fuzzy feeling that starts off deep within the cavity of your chest and spreads out slowly encompassing your whole. I know love exists, I know love is real - I just don't believe in the concept of it anymore. I know what you're probably thinking if you've been reading me from a year ago - once burned, twice shy? You could be right. I try not to be one of those people who claim they don't like something but they've never tried it and found out for themselves. I have done that whole love thing, in fact if you ask me now I will honestly tell you I have been in love twice in my life.. and the result?

The burn was more intense than any physical pain I could ever imagine, which shifted my whole perspective on love - it used to be something I believed so strongly in and something I used to think will break barriers and mend rifts and now I just see it as something that isn't worth believing in because when I believe in something, I give it everything I have - and the ensuing pain when what you thought was solid ground crumbles from under you is just too great for me to even think about taking another risk.

Before I go any further, I would like to make known that this has nothing to do with Nik (my boyfriend) whatsoever. In fact, he has been very patient with me while I constantly questioned his faith and bombarded him with seemingly senseless questions on why. Why this? Why that? Why me? Why am I doing this? I don't know. Like I said, I am in the mood for breaking walls - if I question someone hard enough and be the persistant little bugger I can be, sooner or later the truth will come out.

I am not looking for an answer to a question that I already know, I am not trying to force my opinions on you but I do want to know how you really feel about love deep down inside, the fears, the faith that smothers that fear - this is an answer you not necessarily will realize either but we will recognize the answer when we hear it - does any of this make sense so far?

Example - How I feel about Tiff. My stock-standard instinctive answer would be that I absolutely adore her. Now this is true. But when I question myself why I adore her, the first thing that pops into my head would be that she's the one person in this world that actually understands me better than I do. If I persist and question myself further, dig deeper.. because she's never let me down. But when I hit my wall, a new thought forms, and I discover why I adore Tiff is because..

I am selfish with my time, and I've let her down before yet she sticks with me because she does understand me and this whole thing I've got about being on my own. Because she's never asked anything from me other than my friendship in return. Because sometimes when all I want is an ear, she's there to listen and yet when she needs the same from me I am not necessarily there for her and yet our friendship is strong enough to overcome this. BECAUSE I THINK I AM A CRAP FRIEND SOMETIMES AND I AM AMAZED SHE STILL SEES SO MUCH IN ME AND HAS NEVER LET ME DOWN BEFORE.

Now something in my mind recognizes that as the truth because I KNOW for a fact that I have done things to support my new opinion.. like how I avoid talking to her online when I selfishly need time on my own, if only to finish a drawing I can't put down even for five seconds to reply her. Small things. One side of the story. But I would've never admitted this to myself if I didn't break down that wall - I'd know it deep down but I wouldn't have realized I know it.

Back to the subject of love. If it's something you feel strongly about, tell me why. I need to know because I am looking for a reason to believe in it again. I think I might have finally met someone who, in a such short span of time, might have already subconsciously convinced my head to go along with my heart. Unfortunately my wall-breaking mission does not extend to this argument in my head because I still haven't made a dent in my wall after trying for so long.

Do you have to understand love in order to believe in it? How can you believe in something you don't understand? Love is such an enigma that no words in the english language can define it in absolute terms. It is really just a word? How can something so complicated be so simple?

If you were to sell the concept of love to a non-believer, how would you do it?

Agree. Either you are in or you are out. Either you are in love or you are not. There is no concept to sell, no marketing pitch to make, no structure to adhere to, no guidelines to follow. You will know when you are in love. If you don't feel it, then its just not love. Don't confuse love with infactuation, crush, lust or obsession. When its love, you'll know. Deep down inside, you'll know. I believe that there are no tangibles for love. Just the intangibles. When you are, you know.

you write my whole life's story in one blog entry. if only you knew that there are more people out there who know that very same feeling of fear, who are not non-believers, but people who are simply AFRAID to believe. and yet...though i have been down that road, there is hope, my dear, there is. you cannot believe in a love that wont hurt you. you can only believe that someday someone might come along to make you believe again in its merit, its promise, once more. some of us are blessed with that second, or third, or fourth chance. some are not. so if your chance comes along, and he makes your heart sing, grab him, keep him, know in your heart that he loves you and believe him. trust me, you wont know if he's IT, if you dont give him a shot.

love is something that i used to believe strongly in...however, i found myself lacking some qualities nowadays, namely, i'm much less affectionate, i don't appreciate things much, i find myself not being sensitive to other people's needs and so forth. love is something i very seldom feel anymore and whether that has anything to do with my long term meth (ab)use is questionable, but personally, yeah i think its that since most long term meth users share the same experiences...changes in neurochemistry that seems to be permanent. i "feel" (as in my brain thinks) sad about the loss, but my emotions don't care. i'll love to feel the same feelings i could feel a couple of years ago. it's not a problem of long relationships too...i cannot conceive anyone who can make me really feel love as intense as i can feel it last time.
the only love i feel now is chemical love, courtesy of mdma, and love is something that people don't want to lose.

love alone do not keep two persons together. chemistry does. Why do you think people say "lovers come and go, but friends stay forever"?
loving your friends do not feel the same as loving a lover, and on top of that you've got the chemistry that keep you guys together. BUT if love with your lover fades and there wasn't even any chemistry to begin with......

Do not overconcern yourself with concepts of love for it isn't exactly everything.

i just feel so frustrated with myself for not knowing how to deal with things. I have this great guy who loves me and I just don't think it's fair to him that I don't believe in it as much as he does. And the only thing that keeps me in is the simple fact that I knew how it felt once..

..and damn, it IS addictive.. high risk high gain and all that jazz..

As for chemistry, I can go on forever. I believe in chemistry, that much is absolute - if two people just don't spark, nothing will keep them together long term. Chemistry is what makes you think you're in love at first, then it draws you in and wham! You're in so deep it's gonna be hard to get out. Chemistry, however, is the makings of lust often mistaken for The Real Thing, and as all things that gratify, tends to make you lose sight of the bigger picture.

I have been a victim a couple of times, I used to fall easily.. but now I learnt to recognize the signs. It does help that my emotions can be controlled like a switch, experience over time has made it such, and I can be one heck of a cold hearted ***** ;)

And speaking of emotions also, v, I find myself very detached at times, just like you describe.. cept it's not for the same reasons.

How would I sell? At present, I couldn't think of a way. Love is something to be felt from the heart. It's something experiential and it could only be experienced if the non-believer would open his/her heart to accept love.

I believe in everything that happens around us starts with me. If I don't love myself truly, then I may not have ppl to truly love me.

Chemistry does plays an important role in identifying that special someone. Chemistry attracts you to someone but then again, will the thoughts of how the person is deep down inside affects you? Have you felt something for someone, but later realises that he's not the type of guy for you?

Juz some questions to ponder for you... :)

trying to break a wall down with your head only gives you a bruised forehead. Going by your gut only works if the wall is made of gingerbread.

You cant sell love, but if i were to package it for retail, it'd be a black-hilted wakizashi wrapped in pink ribbons and tinsel.