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12/12/2023 Entry: "Conversation"

Conversation

Abstinence is a bitch of a life to lead. It challenges your morals, your will and dampens that streak you know exists somewhere in the past. Severity of course, depends on what you're abstaining from. In my case, abstinence from character, is entirely voluntary and a bitch of a life to lead.

I've forgotten what it was like to be truly happy being me. I don't know whose persona I sometimes adopt, where I picked up those little gestures from, why I think the way I do, thus I swing from one mood tree to another and I do this in record time, perfected from hours of practice in one smooth operation. I am still bitter perhaps, of trust and betrayal - two polar opposites that I both detest and admire.

Perhaps she is a cynic? You may be right. I doubt she's gotten over Him, no matter what she says. No points for being right twice. But she relishes the pain.. of a different sort, maybe. Who knows? She won't tell. She doesn't know!

I feel like I lead two lives and it's exhausting keeping up with both. It was ambitious perhaps, embarking on Change. Change is a curious thing - if you are strong it changes things around you but if you are weak it changes You. Have I been unknowingly Changed while trying to find conscious Change?

I find, if you stare at the word Change for awhile, it slowly changes from being a word meaning alter to just a bunch of letters with no meaning. Would that be why it's called Change? Because it is constantly metamorphosing itself?

Are you as addled as I?

I use the word 'I' alot, for this I apologize, but this blog has always been I.

Replies: 5 comments

It was something I could relate when I read your latest blog. It was true that I was also leading two lives. One being the authentic me, while the other was an image I projected to gain acceptance from society. By leading these 2 lives, I had forgotten how it was like to be me. Forgotten the values which were in me all these while.

As they said, the only constant in the universe is change itself. Everything changes, and for me to keep up in life, I evolve (prefer to use this word vs change) to work around the changes. Since you are an avid book reader, have you read "Who Moved My Cheese"? I've juz finished reading the book 2 days ago. I m not a book reader all these while, but now I find them inspiring.

I believe that your values are still with you. I view it as an unpolished diamond, covered with mud and sand. It may take some time for you to break the crust and rediscover the beauty you have in you. Everyone has this diamond in them. The question I always ask myself is, whether they want to discover it or not. That's entirely their choices.

That'll be all I could write for now. Something I would want to leave with you...

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past;
You can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

Posted by Danny @ 12/15/2003 08:31 AM GMT


Danny, thank you for quote - and the book recommendation! I will look for it soon. I have heard of it before but never found out what it was all about.

My values are still intact (that much I know) but the question is, where do they go when I need them?

Change is, as always, inevitable in our cognitive culture.


Posted by fuzzy @ 12/16/2003 01:13 AM GMT


You're welcome. You'll be able to get the book from MPH.

Values will always be there and they're in your heart. Need to do some soul-searching to discover the beauty in you.

I truly believe that there's good in everyone of us, including Saddam Hussien and Osama bin Laden. I acknowledge them to take action on their vision (although not aligned to world peace), which I ought to learn from them... :)

If you are interested in discovering your inner beauty, I may have something that'll interest you. Question is, are you game to do some work on yourself?


Posted by Danny @ 12/16/2003 08:38 AM GMT


what kind of work? ;)

Posted by fuzzy @ 12/17/2003 11:20 AM GMT


A journey of self-discovery and self-awareness.

Drop me a line if you are interested.


Posted by Danny @ 12/18/2003 07:47 AM GMT















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