Absolutely Fuzzed - 23/01/2004: "Social niceties and kodak moments"

Lately I've noticed that when I bump into someone I haven't seen in a long time, I usually don't make it past small talk. In fact, even small talk requires tremendous effort on my part. Sometimes. My ability to chatter endlessly has degenerated into mumbled phrases. Even my close friends whom I used to spend endless hours on the phone with are now restricted to 10 minute calls and weekend cafe gossip.

After the usual hellos and how are yous, I'd randomly go through career, family, significant other and recent events.. and it ends there. If the other person is just as bad as I am, the conversation would end in two minutes.

With a little effort, I could stretch it to about four minutes, but if it's as interesting as watching bread bake, really, is it worth it? Sure, I pick out all the leads and prompts, but I can never decide what to say so I don't say anything. Much.

At a gathering with my old high school friends just last week, things were great. We couldn't stop talking. These are a bunch of girls I spent years with on a daily basis, 5 years ago. On the surface everything looked great, but when I went back and thought about us, it seemed painfully evident that the 5 years we spent apart has changed all of us and things will never be the same as before. Small things, like how we still pick on Irene the exact same way we did 7 years ago, prove that we're all trying hard to pretend nothing has changed.. but it has.

More and more, I'm feeling like a derelict adrift in a sea of whispered conversation.

More and more, I find myself withdrawing from social obligations and wanting to be alone instead. I shed even the pretence of being interested in meeting new people.

Seeing as how some people perceive me to be a social butterfly, plenty! Don't get me wrong, I haven't entirely given up speech or anything, I'm still doing the rounds and making monumental effort to deal with the finer points of networking.. but I'm also discovering a side of me that's very reticent and I don't know if I like it.

Last night, three cousins and three friends went to Cafe Flam and got very drunk. As Luke, Sam and Steph walked out of the club laughing and holding on to each other for dear life (having indulged in the intemperate pursuit of pleasure by way of a bottle of Chivas) two words popped into Steph's head:

I feel the same way you do. It's funny because as a Gemini, I'm supposedly a communicative-pro with sparkling chitter-chattering all the way. But somehow, these days, I'm only half as interested as I used to be to socialize and do the rounds of networking. Like you, I've no idea what to say and I hate "entertaining" people with a fake front. Hate to admit it but I feel obligated to socialize. All I want is the company of a few close friends.

Anyways, still haven't gotten around to meeting you. Maybe our socializing problems are keeping us away. I only have two weeks left ;)

Hsin, we'll come up with something I'm sure :)

Ben.. AHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Maddy, thanks babe ;)

there are moments in our lives where we find ourselves without the energy to socialize anymore,sometimes it lasts for a week, sometimes it never stops. i haven't the energy to be bubbly and all for a while now. Maybe its a new clock working for you, maybe you should start to appreciate 'comfortable silence' nothing better for me than to sit back and just observe.... with a smile and an all knowing nod..!

I've ALWAYS had to try. Of course, I know where mine comes from - from a childhood spent on a farm in front of a computer :) hehehe... I always leave a really bad first impression and I'm not proud of it. But, you know, I try to make the most of it each time I meet someone new - and - now and then - I'll meet someone who was worth making that effort for :)