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03/15/2005 Entry: "Not so"

Not so

It irks me, sometimes, how much everyone depends on an internet connection. It irks me even more that I am one of those people. The internet went down at our offices last week and no one knew what to do. It would usually drive me up the wall, but I was lucky that I was really busy with offline production work so I wasn't really affected.. except I couldn't send and receive emails. Today the connection was wonky, and I resorted to playing Text Twist during my less busy moments. I was tempted to go search for a "How dependant are you?" quiz, but heck the line was down. I suck at Text Twist now. I didn't use to.

I'm getting bored (we're on a different subject already). Not a good sign.

You're getting bored, also not a good sign. After 4 years I have lost some freedom of speech on this blog, and apart from work and work, there's not much else going on in my life that I would want to comment on (except the occasional shoe splurge) and apart from work and work, there's not much else going on in my life, period. And for a while back there when things got frustrating, me and two other bloggers started a blog where we would post anonymously.. it is infinitely fun, but I have just decided not to post there any more because I have been ignoring my own blog as a result.

I have thought about closing this site down many times. It's getting pointless, but yet I know I will miss the times when I have insomnia and feel like typing away in the dark (like now). And when I'm travelling my friends would miss finding out exactly what I was up to. I can think of a million reasons why I want to shut it down, and a million reasons not. It's been a love-hate thing for a year and it shows.

I don't even think I can write any more. And when you can't write, you read. I have been doing plenty. Some of the (fiction) highlights from the past two months:
Shoe Money by Maggie Alderson
Living with Crazy Buttocks by Kaz Cooke
Anthem by Ayn Rand
The Bride Stripped Bare by Anonymous

I especially liked the last one, which dripped of longing for something more and a hunger for the unexplored (and not entirely in the sexual sense, although sexual it is). It reflected one or two of my thoughts and theories about relationships and sex, which is not necessarily a good thing.. it just means someone else has thought of the same thing before and I'm not all that far removed from society.. ha. But writing it anonymously? Great call.

Much as I don't want to bring it up yet again, I think being cheated on has changed me on a deeper level. One of my best buds has just diagnosed me as a relationship nomad. Nothing ever seems permanent or important enough any more. And I'm just sitting here and thinking, "Why is that bad?" while he virtually smacks his forehead. I do try, you know.

So where do we go from here? Back to the books?

I wish I was blonde (metaphorically, thank you), so instead I would spend my time worrying about how my nail polish has chipped under the severe stress of typing this.

Replies: 5 comments

What is back up day?

Posted by SongBear @ 03/15/2005 08:45 AM GMT


start posting photos :)

Posted by potatoe @ 03/15/2005 03:35 PM GMT


Did being cheated in a relationship deters you from moving forward in your current relationship?

If it's not important to you, why have the relationship in the 1st place? It was doomed from the start as your past experiences is stopping you from participating fully in a new relationship.

My 2 cents' worth :)


Posted by dan @ 03/15/2005 03:47 PM GMT


Oh don't stop!;( I've been coming here for nearly a year! Don't stop!
Oh god. has it been a year?!

Posted by Jayelle @ 03/15/2005 10:03 PM GMT


dan, i think any references made here are only on a surface level. things are not what they seem (now, when are they ever? ehheh) the word 'doomed' is way too strong to be referring to my relationship however.. but i see where you're coming from.

jayelle, wow yes it has been a year :) and i doubt i will disappear from the www. i wouldnt be able to stand it. hehe.


Posted by fuzzy @ 03/16/2005 11:02 PM GMT















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