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Do you know what it's like to be torn? To want to be there for everyone, and make them feel better? And yet, every thing you tell them, you wish you could believe yourself? Every time you make someone feel better, you wish someone would do the same for you? But it never works, no matter who is there, because you know the truth already. It sucks. It's a toss up between being placed in a spot, and feeling helpless. I hate it.
I'm so so tired of being the sensible one, the dependable one. I'm tired of knowing, and yet still asking. I'm tired of understanding, but still dreaming. I'm tired of seeing people being hurt, and I hate the pain, because I feel it too. Which is totally stupid, since technically, it has nothing to do with me. And yet, when people are sad, when people are down, it pulls me down too. My Senior Don told me yesterday that while I may "have a heart as large as Texas" (which I seriously doubt :P), I can't keep covering for others. Well geez, do you think I enjoy it?! I can't help what I feel, and my instincts always tell me to reach out, and so I do. And I cover for others not because of them, but because I think of the people who will be affected should there be no one at all. Besides, I love being there for others.
I love people. People are simply wonderful (well, most of them anyway--I guess I'm just lucky) and I know so many fantastic individuals. I can't help but care, but sometimes, caring hurts. I love my friends, and it saddens me when shitty things happen to them. They shouldn't have to feel unloved, because they are loved.
She wants to end it all, even when I keep reminding her that there's so much to live for. But sometimes, I can't help but wonder, could she be right? I gave her Autumn Day yesterday. I'm hoping that by reading that, she'll remember that yes, life sucks, that yes, things are difficult, but that does not mean that no one cares.
You're probably a friend if you're reading this. Don't worry, I'm not gonna do something stupid (especially you, Heather :P). I'm just, airing out. I've had so much bottled in me, I need to air out. And I can't say this to the people who are living with me (even though you're probably reading this) because it's just not right. I have no rights. Not now anyway.
I told Anne today, and I will say the same here: I love donning. I love being able to help, and to be there for others. While there are many sucky things happening right now, and I may wonder if I'm losing my sanity and head, I do not regret this. I may be tired, but I will not give up, and I do not want you guys (not just those in rez, but all of you!) to feel as if you should stop confiding so that I'll feel better. Don't. I'm more afraid of the unknown than what I know and see before me. I'll feel worse should you stop confiding. Keep it coming. I am strong, I will rise to the challenge, and I will, with your help, emerge a wiser person in the end. I love all of you very very much, and I am always, always there for you.

Mm, and before I forget, in the midst of all that, I just wanted to thank some people for the hugs today: Roger, Heather, Asha, Sunday, Jeff (X3)[for hugging me every single time you saw me!]. I really appreciate it, especially me being the hug-aholic person that I am *grins*

Song of the moment: Blessid Union of Souls' I Wanna Be There
Current emotion: Physically exhausted, emotionally drained